Kelvin MacKenzie is no Rory Bremner

The former editor of The Sun did an impersonation of John Major, adopting a nasal voice and quivering slightly, but nobody laughed. Still, it brought a rare moment of levity to one of many grinding days in court. MacKenzie was splendidly bullish about journalism, and gave easily the most entertaining evidence, having previously called the inquiry "ludicrous". Summarising his own editorial policy from 1981 to 1994, he said: "My view was that if it sounded right, it was probably right, and therefore we should lob it in." Known in the trade as the law of probability.

Richard Desmond is a glass-half-full sort of chap

When it was pointed out to the Express proprietor that his papers had paid out for libel claims on 38 articles about Madeleine McCann, Desmond pointed to the additional 64 articles they'd printed trouble-free. So at least two in three aren't libellous!

Newspapers don't necessarily print everything they know

But they do know how to put juicy nuggets about celebrities to good use, sometimes as leverage to cut deals. Sir Alex Ferguson was, according to News of the World whistleblower Matt Driscoll, tied into a classic red-top "accommodation", in which the paper agreed to withhold something he didn't want published about his health, in exchange for stories about Manchester United. That way everybody's happy.

You can't escape the old boys' network

Turns out Lord Justice Leveson went to the same school as Lord Hunt, who has was made head of the Press Complaints Commission last year: they were both pupils at Liverpool College. Not at the same time, mind you, but it still means that the two men now in control of regulating the press might have had their brows soothed by the same matron. Fishy.

Hacks can be ingenious, if shameless

JK Rowling once found a letter from a journalist in her five-year-old daughter's school bag. No, really. The Harry Potter author told how she unzipped the bag one evening and found the letter addressed to her, and felt rage that "my five-year-old daughter's school was no longer a place of complete security from journalists". She also recalled being pursued by photographers shortly after her son was born. "I rather absurdly gave chase. How I thought I was going to outrun a 20-something paparazzo while pushing a buggy... The cumulative effect, it becomes quite draining."

Real people have been dragged into this too

Perhaps the most moving story came from Margaret and Jim Watson, whose daughter, Diane, was murdered in 1991. They told how their only other child, Alan, 15, was so distressed by press coverage of her death that he killed himself, while clutching the offending articles in his hands. They have been fighting for a change to press freedoms ever since.

Piers Morgan is as shifty as he is pompous

The ex-Mirror editor gave evidence via video-link from Los Angeles, where he now lives, and stood by his two memoirs, which gleefully regale the reader with tales of naughty red-top exploits, such as going through Elton John's bins. Asked about "binology", as the inquiry called it, Morgan sniffed that he'd never heard the term. Most of his evidence was based on not being able to remember anything, and he said he felt like a rock star being faced "with a back catalogue of all his worst hits". Diddums.

Everyone was at it at 'The Mirror' too*

*According to City reporter James Hipwell, who was convicted of insider dealing while on the paper. He said that phone hacking at the Daily Mirror was a "bog-standard journalistic tool" used "every day" and "entirely accepted by senior editors". Richard Wallace, now editor of the Daily Mirror, says phone hacking "might well have" occurred at the Mirror without his knowledge. Piers Morgan says he "had no reason or knowledge to believe it was going on" during his 10-year tenure. (Previously Morgan had described phone hacking as a practice "everyone knows was going on at almost every paper in Fleet Street for years".)

Red-top editors can suffer from Sudden Memory Loss Syndrome

Asked if they were aware of phone hacking happening on their watch, most editors gave variations on the Andy Coulson line: "I have no recollection of incidents where phone hacking took place." Dominic Mohan, editor of The Sun, answered most questions by saying, "I can't remember, it was a very long time ago", speaking of events from the past few years. It's a miracle he can remember his own name.

Lawyers should stick to pinstripe

Hugh Grant's barrister, David Sherborne, looked like a young Valentino in deep mahogany tan and natty grey suits with pencil-thin ties. This did little to make his infuriating whinging manner any more bearable. Mark Lewis, a leading hacking expert, turned up to court one day in a lurid orange overcoat. Somebody's been reading too much GQ.

Hugh Grant's middle name is Mungo

Piers Morgan's full name is Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan. Kelvin MacKenzie is a Calder, Charlotte Church is a Maria, Sienna Miller is also called Rose Diana and Max Mosley is a Rufus.

B-listers should be grateful for the attention

That's according to Paul McMullan, a former News of the World hack, who gave the most honest evidence of anyone. "Circulation defines the public interest," he said. "You have to appeal to what the reader wants – this is what the people of Britain want. I was simply serving their need." He added that Sienna Miller should be "cock-a-hoop" to have 15 snappers outside her house, because, after all, "who is she?". Ooo-ooh!

Hacks are as competent as MPs at fiddling their expenses

Naturally this came as a shocking revelation to everyone on The IoS. McMullan spelt it out in numbers: he said he was paid £60,000 as deputy features editor of the NOTW between 1994 and 2001, and claimed expenses of £15,000-£20,000. Of that, he smirked, "£3,000 was legitimate". We are shocked – shocked!

Paul Dacre is "completely naive about sex"*

*This was according to Max Mosley, whose spanking sessions were exposed by the News of the World. "That's not a criticism, but it's a fact," claimed the Formula One boss, speaking of the Daily Mail's editor. "The women in my little party, I like to call it, they are total, complete enthusiasts for what they do. They love what they do. They're more into it than I've ever been. The idea that you're exploiting them is ludicrously naive, and, in fact, offensive to them. They all do these sort of things in their private lives, with their partners. That's how they are. Mr Dacre may not approve of it, but the fact is we live in a civilised society where grown-ups in private should be allowed to do what they please. It's not up to him to decide who can do what between consenting adults."

Rupert Murdoch is Don Corleone

That's according to Labour MP Tom Watson, who called News International "a criminal enterprise", while the comedian Steve Coogan told Lord Leveson there was nothing personal about their attitudes: "It's like the Mafia: it's just business," he said. Max Mosley came over all Hyacinth Bucket when he expressed surprise that he hadn't received a reply from Rupert Murdoch after he complained to the News of the World. "That, to me, is the conduct of the Mafia," he sniffed. "It's what you would expect if you wrote to the head of a Mafia family complaining about one of their soldiers. You would probably get no reply." Just a horse's head, perhaps.

Lord Leveson is not hoodwinked by newsroom culture

The 62-year-old High Court judge has clearly never been a journalist, and knows very little about how it all works. Still, this probably makes him the right person to reach an impartial decision, and at least he seems willing to learn. He has displayed an impressive ability to stay awake, and comes across as benign and sympathetic most of the time. He has certainly had his bullshit-detector set to "highly sensitive".

Elle Macpherson is not as nice as she looks

The supermodel's former adviser, Mary-Ellen Field, told the inquiry that, when Macpherson wrongly suspected her of leaking stories, she dispatched Field to a "horrible" therapy centre in the Arizona desert. "Elle made out it was a spa. It was a grade-one psychiatric hospital with men with guns parading around," she said. To add insult to injury, Elle then sacked Field when she got back. Nice. Even once the supermodel discovered that her phone had been hacked, proving Field was blameless, she didn't call to say sorry, Field claims.

David Cameron is a crafty fox

Well, we probably knew that too. But the Prime Minister is certainly doing well out of Leveson so far. By launching such a massive inquiry, he has fired an impressive – if rather expensive – blunderbuss, which will discredit much of the newspaper industry and undermine even the good parts of the press. Hopefully this might distract attention away from his own cosy relationship with the Murdoch empire. Then again, he may yet have to give evidence.

Rebecca Loos didn't have to "relieve" a pig live on TV

She had already made a small fortune by trousering a "six-figure sum" for her kiss-and-tell account of her affair with David Beckham. This was far more than the £15,000-£20,000 usually paid, said Neville Thurlbeck, the NOTW reporter who broke the story. Thurlbeck was less forthcoming about his own sexual adventures: he's infamous for once exposing a Dorset B&B where sexual favours were available. Having got his story, he then made his excuses and stayed, as pictures online make graphically clear.

Richard Desmond didn't study philosophy at university

When asked about his newspapers' approach to ethics and morals, he said: "Ethical? I don't quite know what the word means... We don't talk about ethics or morals because it is a very fine line and everybody's ethics are different."

Further reading: A few outstanding questions

How much it will all cost?

There are seven barristers, each charging up to £5,000 per day. The inquiry has agreed to publish their costs, but only data for the first three months is so far available: it cost £855,300. All paid for by the taxpayer.

How does Sir Christopher Meyer get away with it?

Head of the PCC for six years, he put on an appallingly disingenuous – even by his standards – performance, when asked why he failed to smell a rat while in charge. "Everything is painted as if we are an inert, inactive organisation, sitting there slackly, mouths hanging open," he wailed, before failing to dispel any such impression.

Is Robert Jay is enjoying himself?

He's the lugubrious barrister doing much of the cross-questioning. Admired for his no-nonsense approach, Jay is a cool cookie. Others are taken with his colleague Carine Patry Hoskins, who, in a sexist paper, would be called doe-eyed.

Why the police didn't act?

Surrey Police admitted they knew Milly Dowler's phone had been hacked back in 2002, which has opened them to accusations of a conspiracy of silence. The police's relationship with the press is up next, starting on 27 February.

What will become of Coulson and Brooks?

The two News of the World ex-editors' claims of knowing nothing about hacking were undermined by other testimonies, notably Paul McMullan's; he accused Andy Coulson of introducing "wholesale" phone hacking, and called Rebekah Brooks "the criminal-in-chief". Brooks has since had a baby, and is being looked after by Rupert Murdoch. Coulson, meanwhile, has to pay his legal fees if he's charged, having lost a legal attempt to force Murdoch to pay. He's now put his house on the market.

What will become of James Murdoch?

The NI chief has also denied all knowledge, but this was undermined by Tom Crone, ex-legal manager of NOTW, and Colin Myler, ex-editor, who said they told him about "direct and hard" evidence of hacking. If this is true, Rupert Murdoch's son could be charged with perjury.

Which editors knew what?

They all say they knew nothing, but some are more truthful than others. Times ed James Harding doesn't seem like the sort to allow email hacking, but then evidence emerged to the contrary. Similarly, if there was any hacking going on at the Mail, you can be certain Paul Dacre didn't know, as anyone who knows him would tell you. His sterling performance last week put a spring back in our step.

Who actually cares?

While lefty intellectuals have got excited about exposing what naughty tabloid hacks get up to, the rest of the media is trying to get on with their jobs. Meanwhile the public, who used to buy 2.6m copies of the NOTW every week, has one fewer paper to read.