MONDAY
The O-Zone has a new sole brother. Hobble forward fellow journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi, who yesterday caused much international mirth when he kicked off a 'shoe intifada' by throwing his footwear at President Shrub during a Baghdad press conference.
On a 'farewell visit' to Iraq, Shrub was hosting a joint conference with Iraqi prime minister Nuri al-Maliki when the incident took place. Obviously sensing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, the irate journalist threw his shoes at the US president and shouted, 'This is a goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people, dog!'
Throwing shoes at somebody is a serious insult in the Middle East ( just short of throwing grenades). Regrettably, both missiles failed to strike their intended target, but at least the point was made. Not that Shrub got it. 'I don't know what the guy's cause was,' he said, afterwards.
Here's a hint, Shrub. You lied to the American people and illegally invaded Zaidi's country, resulting in the needless deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and the utter destruction of cities, towns and villages throughout the nation. Thats probably his 'cause'.
At the time of writing, the badly beaten journalist is still incarcerated, and may yet be tried for the crime of 'aggression against a president' (which carries a maximum sentence of 15 years). Phew! Try talking in his shoes.
On the plus side, bids of up to $7m have been made for his famous footwear, and an Egyptian man has offered his 20-year-old daughter to Zaidi as a bride.
Unfortunately, she
reportedly has a face like an old boot.
TUESDAY
So European
Affairs Minister Dick Roche goes for a 9.30am swim
every morning in a five-star hotel' That explains
why the mans got such a trim and supple figure.
WEDNESDAY
News emerges from the European Parliament that Ireland will be allowed to keep pouring pints for the foreseeable future. They've officially adopted a proposal which enables us to continue to use both metric and other measurements such as pounds and ounces if desired.
Of course, it's not just publicans who are relieved about this. Marijuana dealers are also pleased not to have to change their time-honoured system of measurements.
Some years ago, The O-Zone found himself fairly cash-strapped in the run-up to Christmas. Although I'd money due in early January, I really couldn't afford to buy my family any gifts. Or rather, I couldn't afford to buy them gifts and go on a traditional seasonal bender.
Inspiration struck in a newsagents. I bought magazines that I knew they'd like (Vanity Fair for my mother, Asian Babes for my dad, etc). On Christmas Day, I handed everybody wrapped copies of the magazines and told them I'd got them annual subscriptions. A fortnight later, when my money came through, I actually bought the subscriptions. Nobody was any the wiser (and given that they refuse to read my articles, they still won't be).
There you go. I'm
not just a brilliant columnist, I'm also great at
giving Christmas gift tips.
THURSDAY
Our TDs are off on their Christmas break today, and won't return to their desks until the end of January. Not only are they the highest-paid politicians in Europe, but they also have the longest holidays ' 40 days (and nights). Doubtless they'd argue that they do important constituency work during this time, and aren't really on holidays at all. Bullshit! Sending unwanted Christmas cards out to your constituents, attending funerals and filling in potholes shouldn't be on anybody's list of priorities right now.
We're cursed to
live in interesting times, but our elected
representatives don't seem interested in seriously
tackling any of the critical issues currently
threatening our vulnerable little island. Shame on
them!
FRIDAY
To Dublin for the Herald Christmas party in Krystal. Not wanting to appear overly eager for the free booze, I arrive a good 40 minutes late.
I haven't graced this nightclub with my presence before, and I'm surprised at just how massive it is.
I'm brought to the VIP area where the party is happening, only to discover that only the legendary Ulick O'Connor has arrived before me. He's as perplexed as I am, but we're assured that we're in the right place.
I spend a good 20
minutes chatting with Ulick (whose new book of
poetry, The Kiss, has just been published by
Salmon), but nobody else arrives. Eventually it
transpires that we're actually in the overspill
room, and our colleagues are partying on a balcony
just 30 feet away. D'oh!
SATURDAY
The Anglo Irish Banks Sean Fitzpatrick makes a last moment bid for the title of 'Greatest Gobshite of 2008' with the forced revelation that he's been shifting a secret '87m loan out of sight of the banks auditors for the last few years. Needless to say, the wily w**ker claims he wasn't actually breaking any laws in doing this.
If the events of
the last few months have shown us anything at all,
its that none of our supposed 'emperors' are
wearing any clothes. There are numerous people
getting away with all sorts of shenanigans, because
they're still wrongly perceived as being somehow
untouchable ' they're not.
SUNDAY
Kate and Gerry McCann release a previously unseen video of their missing daughter Madeline today. In it, their beautiful little girl is seen playing with her siblings and heard speaking for the first time.
It seems strange that they've left it so long to release this footage. After all, maybe someone could have recognised her from the sound of her voice'
Anyway, here's hoping that little Madeline is alive and well somewhere ' and that 2009 will finally bring a happy conclusion to this terrible mystery.
